If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
