I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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