I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And then my night got REAL pukey
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
