just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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