my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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