Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize