What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
