How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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