M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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