I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
