Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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