so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
