i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
