Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
His hands were made for my vagina.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
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