The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
