i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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