I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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