So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
