I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
