You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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