Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
