is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
