Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
