i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
COCAINE IS GR8
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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