the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize