ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
