Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
