someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
