Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I understand Curling. That high.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
