When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
