I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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