And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
