Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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