I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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