I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
