i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
