the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
