so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
