it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
