he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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