I just threw up on my dentist
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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