Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
