allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
ttyl tear gas
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
