matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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