I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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