Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
