i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
