I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize