I cannot find my penis.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
