Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My feet surprised me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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