She said her name was "party"
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
