I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Randomize
