I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
