cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
