So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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