You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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