life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize