a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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