My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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