Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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