so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
