I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
