At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
