Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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