paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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