when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
