Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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