I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
