im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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